My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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