apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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