Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
