I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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