I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
