Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
whose parrot is this?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Randomize
