Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize