Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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