I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
