Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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