he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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