if you like me you must not know who I am
i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
