We're facebook friends in real life
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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