first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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