So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
