4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Randomize
