i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
3 2 1 whiskey
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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