Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Randomize
