so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
