Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
