Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
