Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
