i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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