I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
