You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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