dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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