Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
