my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Randomize
