i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
