Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
