why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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