I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
