Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
