wanna go halves on a baby?
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
