1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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