I need help removing her.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
