At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize