I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
