if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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