Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
