I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
