How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You have to summon your inner elephant
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Randomize
