I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
