Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
