At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
