Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
