I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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