My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
