Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
