I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Redeem this text for a blowjob
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
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