I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
