my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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