I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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