she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
