All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
If I had your ass I would rule the world
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
