The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
My vagina just clenched in fear
There are leaves in my underwear?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
