farters have to be the big spoon...
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
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