Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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