I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
