The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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