im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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